It’s that time of the week again, a time when everyone is counting down the hours and minutes till the glorious weekend that always goes way too fast.  Here is your Friday dose of humor, I came across some workers comp related jokes on workerscompinsurance.com. 

Quite a few of these jokes brought a smile to my face and I hope they do the same for you, Happy Friday:

News Flash: “Doctors at a large managed care network gone on strike.  Managed Care Officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.”

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At a scientific research convention one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from lab rats to managed care reviewers for our experiments?”

The other asked, “Why the switch?”

“Three reasons,” he replied, “First we found that these reviewers have become far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do. However, sometimes it’s hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings”.

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If a retrospective claims reviewer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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A man walking into a hospital notices a prominent surgeon and his surgical resident down on their hands and knees digging in one of the flower beds. He goes over to them and asks, “Can I help? Did you lose something?”

“No,” says one of the surgeons, “We’re about to do a heart transplant on a managed care executive and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”

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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an actuary joke?”

The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6’5″ tall, 250 pounds, and he’s an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

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The Pope, an HMO CEO and a student nurse are flying on an airplane. The captain comes back and says that he has some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is that the plane is going to crash! As he puts on a parachute and jumps out he says that the really bad news is that there are only 2 more parachutes.

The HMO CEO says “I am the smartest man in the world, and the world of Health Care would be nothing without me!” With that he puts on a parachute and jumps out.

The Pope says “Well, my child, I would love to live, but I believe that my time is up. Please take the other parachute and save yourself.”

The student nurse says “Not to worry sir. Right now the smartest man in the world is trying to find the rip-cord on my back pack!”

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There were three medical specialists standing at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter said to the first, “And what have you done to be able to enter heaven?”

“I’m a breast surgeon.”

“Enter, you’ve done a wonderful job.”

To the second he said “And what about you?”

“I’m an oncologist”

“Enter, you really hung in there on earth.” To the third he said “Yes, and you?”

“I was a director of an HMO”

“Enter, but you’ll have to leave after 3 days”.

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A wealthy man lay critically ill.

“There’s only one thing that will save you,” his doctor said. “A brain transplant. It’s experimental and very expensive.”

“Money is no object,” the man said. “Can you get a brain?”

“There are three available. The first was from a college professor, but it’ll cost you $10,000.”

“Don’t worry, I can pay. What about the second?”

“It was from a rocket scientist. It’ll cost you $100,000.”

“I have the money. And I’d be a lot smarter too. But what about the third?”

“The third was from a managed care reviewer. It will set you back half a million dollars.”

“Why so much for the managed care reviewer’s brain?” the patient asked.

His doctor replied, “Never been used.”

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The CEO of a large managed care corporation was sitting in his office late one night, gloating over his latest acquisitions. Suddenly, with a puff of smoke and the smell of brimstone, Satan appeared before him.

Satan smiled at the CEO and said, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every health care contract you bid on, for the rest of your life. Your colleagues will stand in awe of you, physicians will fear you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and the souls of all shareholders in your company.”

The CEO thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

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And here are some ‘Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care’:

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!” It roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with high-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don’t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day’s drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I’d already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can an HMO general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $10 co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. How is a hospital gown like insurance?
A. You’re never covered as much as you think you are.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then

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